2 Shine Brighter During Festival of Lights Tonight

Tonight is the last night of Hanukkah which comes to a close with bitter sweetness as  this past week a family that is near & dear to my heart lost an amazing father, brother, son, friend, uncle to a broken heart over having lost his sweetheart of 40 years six weeks ago. "Aunt Jodi & Uncle Mark" you were amazing and beautiful people and you touched so many people's lives including my own. I will miss your laughter, advice, memories. Loved but never forgotten. We are blessed with two new angels and you are both able to be together again watching over all of your loved ones.

Trying to Put differences Aside

Well last Friday night didn't go exactly as I thought it would but through the ugliness several lessons were learned and I was pleasantly surprised by someone special to me...that he actually stood up for me in a time of hardship. Thank you K, I am glad you and J were both there that night. So the room mate and I are trying to work on our differences and make the situation work for now. Not sure how long it will last but we shall see. K and J are staying with me every night I am home. It helps all of us in several different ways plus is definitely allowing us to grow closer as friends. Most nights we are up playing on the Xbox or watching movies or on our computers listening to the latest songs and looking for work. We take turns sharing the expenses of food and other stuff. Sea likes the added company in the house and of course Kenya is loving the added attention with all the extra hands petting her. Trying to still figure out how to get Maggie over here still but hopefully that will be soon. Be awesome to be able to take her on hikes with K soon or to the dog park. I sure hope she and Kenya hit it off and get along really well or that will be another interesting dilemma to deal with.
Super stoked about having gotten to work the Eric Church concert last night in Everett and looking forward to working the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert at the opposite end of today lol (seeing how it is really early in the morning) LML :-).
Still trying to deal with the loss of my Aunt Jodi from two weeks ago. That will be something for another day though.
Heard this tonight on the radio while out with K and J and the theme of the lyrics seems very fitting for lately:

"Try" by PINK
Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

Black Dogs & What Friends Are For

Black labs/mixes make great pets. Too bad mine never will get the opportunity to get to know the one I have been living with and taking care of the past few months. She is a good puppy and I think the two of them would have gotten along well. The puppy's owner though has a lot of life lessons to learn about how to interact with others though.Things happen for a reason and most the time they are for the better. Timing isn't always the best but you learn to deal. Time to get a new place before the holidays. Hopefully the new place is a better situation then the current soon to be previous one. Good to have friends who have your back in tough times. Going to try to see about working something out with a few of us getting a place together that we all can afford AND Maggie can be at too. Lucky for my sake the two I am thinking of possibly getting a place with are dog people :-). Of course, what is not to love about the most beautiful black beast?!

Took this photo when I went hiking recently in the city. It was such a nice day out with just the right amount of crispness to the air that you wanted a heavy sweatshirt or a medium weight jacket. As of last night though you would definitely know that winter is just around the corner though as it got down to 28 degrees. Brrr! Though I truely can't complain too much as Sis would normally be dealing with colder weather than that in AK land. LML (love my life) and the people in it :-).

New Adventures this Autumn

So I am getting a new place this weekend. A lot closer to family and friends "in-land". Looking forward to getting to know my new roommate Sea. What is awesome is that Sea has a black lab too so Maggie will have a playmate. I am having a lot of fun re-learning how to play D&D. Love my character Tink as she is this really mischievous cleric that pixie dusts everything hehe.
After 3 weeks off work from my guest service/security job I will be going back to work next week. I am also trying to expand my business here in the greater South Sound too. Yesterday I went to the local library and paid those pesky overdue dues from way earlier this year, ordered a book for one of my friends, and have to say I definitely like the local library. I'm sure it will become a local hot spot for me this coming winter on days when I can't make it to work because of the snow.

Froggy went a'courtin

Froggy went a'courtin and he did go 'uh huh' ;-). Yep that is a frog that I found leaping around on the front porch last night. It at least stayed still long enough for a picture moment. I'm not sure if it is a Pacific Tree Frog or not but I'm guessing it isn't unless they change colors during different parts of the year.
The bee's are out, the chipmunks are out, all kinds of birds, and now the frogs. Spring is definitely here. Although the past few days it has been over 75 and feels like we bypassed spring and went straight to summer. Either way I'm not complaining as I much prefer the warmth and sun!

Zoom Zoom Here Zoom Zoom There...Zumba!

My friend Abbey is joining me for soccer on my team. If she is not on shift Saturday she will play in this week's game, otherwise it will be next week's game....which actually will be in 2 weeks because we don't have a game on 4/28. Tuesday night we are starting Zumba together though in town. Should be awesome! She also found me a new client too starting next month.

Made some new friends these past few weeks and been spending a lot more time with family locally. Even someone new that has grabbed my attention and just trying to work on things with him and see where it goes. It's spring time and the sun is out more and I'm trying to add more fun and put things in balance in my life; to be happy & love me :-).

3 S's..Spring, Saturday, & Soccer

Got a call late Saturday about something I was hoping to try this spring. Yesterday it was guaranteed. It's official I will be playing on an all woman's community soccer team starting the end of March! Yay :-). I'm really looking forward to that. Now if I can just get up enough courage to try kayaking this spring too lol ...
Work is um a big challenge. Trying to do my best but not sure that accounting is really my thing.

Rainbows

This week has been very much like the beauty of a rainbow and the plentiful of blessings from prayers. The week starting of course last Saturday. C's change in attitude toward me and our intimate conversations along with a deeper renewal of hope among other feelings toward our walk together as friends and with the hope for more to be restored someday in the future with God's blessing. Then there was the rainbow yesterday over the canal & the mountains (not picture to the left but similar) that you could see as you were descending down the hill into our town as the sunlight came out just long enough to bless us with. Again there was a rainbow today that I noticed as I was driving down the hill on my way to the deli. Today's blessing was in the form of a temp job assignment for me starting tomorrow in Oly for the next few to several months. I truely feel like God is listening and am grateful but humbled by all this. You know I can't explain how happy I have been all week. I hope and pray that God continues to hear my prayers.
Tuesday Day 18-Love Seeks to Understand
"How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding." Proverbs 3:13
Tuesday's Dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.
"What did you learn about your spouse that you didn't know before? How could you continue this process of discovery in other ways, at other times? What were some of the moments that made this evening memorable?"
Well I had inquired if you would be available last night to have dinner with but you said you didn't know and that you might be busy. I said ok and could we plan to have dinner soon as I would like to cook for you. When you came home this morning I found out you were really busy last night running calls all night from the storm we had with the wind and rain. I think what I learned about C, even though we didn't do dinner last night, is that by listening to him all week, truely listening, is that there are a lot of times where he would like to do things with me but is not able to because of his work and that he truely does want me to understand this. By understand I mean that when he says he is busy he really is busy and not trying to blow me off as at times I used to have those kinds of thoughts in the past. By continuing to actively listen for discovery in other ways at other times, I think a closer deeper bond will be in place for a healthier relationship down the road in our near future. Actively listening to your mate shows that you honor and respect them and love them that much more. Moments that made last night memorable was that I listened to him, understood, and didn't go to bed angry.

Day 19-Love Is Impossible
"Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7
Today's Dare: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you were you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.
"What do you believe God is saying to you? Is there a stirring in your heart? What decision have you made in response to this?"
In looking back over the dares from previous days, yes there were some that seemed impossible to me at times. I think one of them was the dare where you picked one positive attribute off the list you had made to try to tell your mate. That day things were hard, communicating was hard. I made C a card to express to him the one attribute that I had chosen to let him know and to this day that card sits upon his dresser where he sees it and can appreciate the love that went into it. Somewhere in the last 19 days along this journey I have realized that I need God and that He is changing my heart to give and receive the ability of unconditional love. I always thought I knew what love was but since starting this journey I realize I didn't understand love as well as I thought. I prayed that God would show me where I stand with Him and I asked for the strength and grace to settle my eternal destination. I believe God is saying to me that I am to lean on Him instead of my own understanding of everything and to make time for Him daily to strengthen my heart and mind to be able to handle the trials & temptations daily. Yes there is a stirring in my heart and my decision in response is to continue with staying in God's word, as well as encouraging C & myself to take a more active role individually but also together to have God play a greater role in our relationship. I can do that by actively trying to pick different verses to memorize by writing them down on flash cards and putting them up on the frig, the bathroom mirror, in the laundry room, just different places that we normally go in the house. That way we both are better equipped to handle stressful situations when they arise because we will have filled our mind & heart with positive words instead of critical ones. C has been encouraging me in attending church and bible study and eventually it would be amazing to be able to do those things together with him.

The Second 10 Is Definitely Better Than the First

Ok so this past weekend was absolutely amazing and a huge step for us in the direction of making our second 10 better than the first. I talked about some of it on our site. I'm so tired from working at deep cleaning M's house today. That was after I spent an hour & a half quilting with the ladies from church. I missed church due to waking up and spending the morning with C. I moved the counseling appointment to next week because funds are really low & I need time to apply what I'm learning. Bible study Monday night was cancelled but they had me over for dinner and besides their cat, Harvey, absolutely loves me :-). Tomorrow I have bible study with some other friends of ours. The room mate is moving in a week and I'm looking forward to being able to spread stuff out again and give us more room. We're both looking forward to having our privacy back too.
It's pouring rain here and definitely not making me want to get up and run every morning. In fact I haven't run in about a week thanks to most days being like tonight. Still haven't found a race I want to do for sometime this year. Currently trying to find at least a part time job to go with my self employment. Also currently falling asleep while listening to the rain and wind but also watching Gangster's Paradise starring Michelle Pfeifer.

Willingness

Today had an interesting start to it at 620 am but steadily got better since 7 when I got back from my walk/run routine. I got my car back for one :-D! So happy to have my wheels again. I'm very grateful to both C and also to Mel along with the folks from the church for taking me where I needed to go this past week or so. I would definitely recommend this mechanic too. Bible study this morning went really well too. Different group then my Monday night one but I think maybe I will try to go to both now. Had lunch with one of the ladies from the church quilt group this afternoon. She is a really good cook & hostess. Taking care of doggies over the next few days. Pretty decent day overall. Feeling calmer than last night. It was sunny this afternoon and nice sunset. Chilly out though. It just really felt like God was with me ever since I prayed with Jean this afternoon and it was a really nice feeling.
Seems like late last week C has just been really mad at me. It's like we have switched roles lately. I think a lot of that is because even though we both are grieving I have been willing to work on things between us and also on myself. I'm not so sure he is as willing or ready to do the same. I keep praying for God to guide and work in me and also in him...to change his heart to be more open and willing. Just trying to be patient while I wait. The trick with praying for patience is that you get more trials.
Day 12-Love Lets the Other Win
"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." Philippians 2:4
Today's Dare: 'Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.'
What issue did you choose? What did giving in cost you? How will this help you in the future? I chose to hold my tongue when after asking me about when were we going to have to leave to go pick up my car and I answered with 'the guy who fixed it lives here and is picking me up on the way into work so I wont need a ride' and his response was 'well I didn't want to give you a ride anyway!' and then he asked where I was going and I said out for my walk/run and he said he was going to make breakfast. I started to take stuff out of the frig when he said it was fine he would do it ..make breakfast...that I could go do my thing. I asked him if he would make me breakfast while I was gone and he said yes. I left and when I got back he wasn't there and my breakfast was on the counter cold :-(. By giving in and not responding it cost me the chance of spending time with him other than that one moment this morning. I also chose to not respond later today when he sent me a text that said 'tisk tisk you're not at dads doing your job'. Instead I sent him a message that said 'heya how was your day?'. Him being confrontational, rude, mean, are not behaviors that I want to nor need to respond to. He wouldn't hear me right now anyway because he is busy being angry in the grieving process. He's not willing to see the small changes in me nor is he willing to work on things yet with me. By leaning on God and trusting him to fix things by changing how I react to things or lack there of ...changing and working within me then I am changing how I respond to more and more situations like this morning & afternoon. Eventually C will not be angry and ....hopefully there is a willing desire to want to work on our friendship and eventually date again.

Upside down hearts need LOVE too

So it's Valentine's Day and yeah I saw this and it seems to fit for today. It's bright and cheery which is how I felt this morning when I got up and discovered C was home.  Hugged him for Valentine's Day. I decided to skip my run and make us waffles & bacon for breakfast. Thanks sis for the use of your waffle iron ;-)! Everything seemed to be going pretty well. We chatted like normal. I jumped in the shower and then got dressed. Came out and asked if he wanted to play cards he said sure. Gave him a foot lower leg massage of which he didn't mind at first then it seemed like he wanted me to stop so I did. Went got the cards and we played cards before he had to leave for the commissioner's meeting. No hug before he left...
Didn't do so well with the no hug thing when he left. It ended up giving me a headache that just wouldn't go away even after I got picked up for the quilt group this morning. Wasn't until about 1030 before I finally asked if anyone had a tylenol and then I also asked the pastor if he had any time this week. He said actually he had time within the next 20 minutes and there was just one person ahead of me. So I met with him, told him about what was on my mind & heart and ...yeah it was good to let stuff out ...my headache went away. He prayed about me & for C. It's so hard to do the right thing and work on yourself to change bad habits to be a better person, but also to be patient and let God work on/in that other person to change themselves but also to recognize the changes within you.
It's only day 11 but it sure feels like day 20...
Day 11-Love Cherishes
"Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies." Ephesians 5:28
Today's dare: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile.
What did you choose to show that you cherish your mate? What did you learn from this experience?
I chose to give him a foot massage this morning and at first it was ok and then later I asked if he wanted me to stop and he said yes...I learned that the power of human touch can move mountains of hurt feelings even if it only lasts a few minutes but that boundaries need to be respected. I also learned that rejection sucks and can sneak into any moment when you least expect it and if you are already vulnerable it is that much more intense. I was ok with stopping the massage but I sure had not intended to make him uncomfortable. Him not hugging me though hurt.
It's like I told pastor, sometimes the hurt from whatever form of rejection it is hurts really deep because he's my best friend and the love runs deep. It's like he is only seeing glimpses of me changing...like he doesn't see the hard work. I suppose it hasn't been long enough. I guess it takes time for God to work on something this big. Everyone I know is praying for us...including his family. It means a lot to me that so many people we know care. I believe there is hope for us.

Race Worth Running

Today has gone really well. I finally got 7 hours of sleep for the first time in about 2 months. Felt pretty good. The only other time I slept that decently was when we took a nap together recently...but I wont go into that ;-). I got up and ran 2 miles around the loop. If I had walked the same route it would have taken me 40 minutes instead it took me 28 :-)! I was very pleased. My goal is to get that cut down quite a bit but not bad for first time out. Got back switched the laundry from the dryer to the bedroom and the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Got in the shower and then got ready for church. Early service is much more formal/traditional. I still had 10 minutes before my ride came to pick me up since my car still is not working. Grabbed 2 handfuls of honey nut cheerios, the blueberry pure bar, and some water and I was good. I even had time to read today's dare before I left. Yep I did all that between 650 am and 815 am. I'm looking forward to my run tomorrow morning.
Church was pretty good. I definitely like early service better. A lot more of the people from town that I know go to that service. One of the quilter ladies had picked me up for church and so I sat in the 'quilter row' which happened to be right behind E, G, and S. E acknowledged me and G of course was smiling at me. She's hard to resist being all cute and almost 2. On one hand it was good to see E and on another it was ....well when Pastor Terry had us pray and lift up what was on our hearts I asked for things to be better...and that He would help E and I try to be friends...we had started to last fall then it just went weird...
I'm still happy I went. It was a good service and the sermon was about deep cleansing. I came home and finished the laundry, emptied the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, changed, had lunch, took out all the books and magazines that I want to get rid of from the bedroom bookshelf so that C has room for his books and things. I started in organizing the garage and decided to bring in some shelves to do some more organizing of the crafty/sewing area in our closet. I also brought in the futon. Fixed the vacuum and will be vacuuming the whole house this evening. Got the table cloth changed too. There's an amazing amount of stuff that needs to be done around here lol. I just want the house to look better, feel better, be a more positive environment, and for C to feel like this is his home too...that he has room to put his stuff out. I should have done some of this stuff 6 months ago but thinking back to 6 months ago, I was lucky to get everything moved from my house to our house, set up, and HEAL from my surgery. Somehow there just hasn't been any time until now.
Sucks that the person you love feels like they need to break up with you in order to get your attention that you need to change. Today's dare really made me realize that I had not been the kind of woman I thought I was last fall to winter. I was angry in a lot of ways and really had been taking things out on him without even knowing that I was.
Day 9-Love Makes Good Impressions
"Greet one another with a kiss of love." 1 Peter 5:14
Today's Dare: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your partner today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.
"Think about your greeting. Do you use it well? Does your partner feel valued and appreciated? Do they feel loved? Even when you're not getting along too well, you can lessen the tension and give them value by the way you greet them. Remember, love is a choice. So choose to change your greeting. Choose to love."
I read this and it hit home. It's so easy to get caught up in whatever happened that day or what hasn't been resolved and take your stress out on those closest to you. Before you know it you've got a lot of little things that add up to becoming a big thing...a lot of hurt feelings that over time lead to resentment and it gets hard to get past that. So that saying 'think before you speak/act' is really true. All of us are guilty of taking things out on our loved ones. Choose to change...choose to love.
C wants me to get better. To not take my anger/aggression out on him or others. I want to get better too. Getting better isn't just about healing though. That's what I thought at first. It's really about deep cleansing of your soul..your whole body because it's a deeper healing...a changing of behavior...of letting go of the old hurts that have happened to you and to not continue to take them with you in hurting yourself & others. That's why I have chosen the path that I have to be going to counseling & getting involved in church activities. So far it's working. Hard work but it's working. Learning to love unconditionally is not a sprint but a marathon...a race worth running.

Hope & Encouraging Words

It's a good day with the exception of being dizzy on & off some this morning that I think that will go away (hoping). Had breakfast with C this morning. Kind of becoming a ritual with us. Usually when we catch up each day. Went back to bed for a little while but got back up later and ready to go because I was going to go walk to women's bible study this morning down at the church office. Turns out the room mate, Mel, knew of someone that could have a look at my car to see why it wasn't starting. The guy came and checked it out and ruled out a few more things that were not wrong with it. Plus he has a neighbor that came come check it out who also happens to own an auto shop in town where he can't fix it at our house I can have my car towed to and he can fix it there. Yay! Mel's bf gave me a ride to women's bible study this morning and one of the ladies from there brought me home. Mel is going to take me to work tomorrow and to my dr. appt. on monday while the car is being fixed. Things are definitely looking up. Weather isn't quite so blah today which is also a blessing.  The sun even looks like it might come out for a bit which would be awesome.
Day 8-Love Is Not jealous: "Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire." Song of Solomon 8:6
Today's dare: Determine to become your partner's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealously. To help you set your heart on your partner and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your partner how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes? I waited until after I was home from fellowship this morning to burn the list. It felt good to burn the list and wasn't hard at all. Some positive experiences to celebrate are that C is an amazing cook and has such a passion for it. He gets very creative in the kitchen and almost always has a smile when he is cooking that just lights up his face because he can't wait for you to try whatever it is. I'm usually his taste tester and he's always gotten praise from me for what he works on. I don't think there has ever been a time where I didn't want to eat what he made and usually lol get impatient waiting for it to be finished but know if I do wait that it is worth while every time. His cooking passion is very much like his passion for firefighting and an emt. When that call comes in over the radio or pager he is so quick in jumping to be out the door to wherever the need is. I've been around the firehouse enough times and he's showed me everything there is on all the rigs, how things work, seen him in his gear, seen him interact with fellow firefighters that he just beams with excitement and passion about his work. Or in the summer months when he is doing diving and cleaning boats he just gets so excited about being around & in the water. It makes me so happy to see him that happy. I've always been proud of what he does. You can't help but be happy when you know someone you really love is that happy and enjoys what they do. C has some upcoming training he's going to be doing that will also allow him to teach more firefighter/emt skills to fellow firefighters and I can encourage him to continue with furthering his goals, training, but also with furthering his skills in the culinary world too. It would be good for him to have additional training to be able to use later on...maybe even be able to open his own restaurant some day :-). Since he is on shift this weekend, I think maybe I will try to make him a card or if I can get into town get him a thinking of you card and just write those encouraging words in it and give it to him when I see him next. We all need encouragement especially when we least expect it. Sometimes you have to take turns being leader and follower. You have to give a little to get a little ;-).
I'm off to enjoy a walk, then probably do a couple quilt blocks, then..I don't know but I'm sure I will find something positive to do.

Love Believes the Best

"Love believes all things, hopes all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

So today's dare is to get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your partner. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your partner for having this characteristic.

"Which list was easier to make?" This was really hard. I didn't think it would be but it was, especially trying to write the positive. "What did this list reveal about your thoughts?" It made me realize on paper that I'm not happy with how things are between us...even as friends..let alone anything more. "What attribute did you thank your partner for having?" I made him a card that read 'You have an amazing, wonderful smile. It's one of many things about you that I dearly love and it brightens my day by warming my heart. I cherish the moments that I 'm the reason for putting that wonderful smile upon your face which makes your eyes twinkle. Love you lots'. His reaction was interesting...he read it, set it down, played his wow game some more..then reread it, set it down again and tucked it next to him in the chair, played his game some more...then looked at it again and stuck it under his phone next to him and played his game more...then we went out to work on the hot tub and my car and he put it in his pocket, we went outside...I came inside for a set of pliers and he had put the card on the couch...then he asked me about it later when we were working on my car. He wanted to know why I had made it for him...I told him because I wanted to...because I wanted to give him a compliment (the love dare didn't say anything about the partner asking you about why you were doing these things..so I just winged it) and he paused, pondered what I had said, and then said 'oh'. Often the little things have a bigger impact than the big things because you aren't expecting them so much. When we see each other making changes if it's a big change we usually have a comment for it but if it is smaller it not only takes us longer to see it but usually  makes us stop and think more. Compliments give us hope about ourselves and  about/with others that we love. All of us need hope in order to be better people in whatever we do. It was hard for me to create that card and give it to him but it was the right thing to do. He gave me hope by being supportive to encourage me to seek counseling & get involved in positive things to better myself to have another shot with him relationship wise but also that we would do fun things later this spring/summer together. That card for me was my way of saying 'Thank you and I hear you...". When I made the card yesterday though I didn't know that ...24 hours later though I realize that was what I was doing.
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I started quilting again last night for the first time since November. It felt good. I have 17 blocks of 20 that I need to get done for this lap quilt that I've been working on for almost 2 years. There are 14 days until my next support group meeting and my goal is to get all 20 blocks done and sewn together so that the top is done. I think I can do it :-).

So glad today is friday. Tomorrow morning I'm checking out the women's ministry meeting at the church office. It's about "love box" donations. Which I'm guessing is probably similar to what I just did for today's love dare above. So it will be good to hear.

I'm going to try to get the fuel filter changed on my car today since I can't go anywhere without doing that unless I get a ride. Thankfully C has been available & gracious enough to take me to wherever I needed to go all week. I need to be able to drive though. Sunday need to get my taxes done. Planning to go see J&R after church. Planning on checking out the early service this time instead of the later service.

This house...

Today was going really well and we were having fun. It's nice when we are getting along, having fun, and working on things together.
Sucks when it isn't.....like tonight.

Day 4 of the new Me

Day 2 was pretty bad since the night of Day 1 was very bad. Day 2 consisted of going to church, bawling my eyes out after and getting in yet another fight at home, then spending several hours pouring my heart out to a cousin, coming home to post rent and basically call it a night. Day 3 well that went a LOT better! Spent the whole Day 3 with C and it was awesome. Life is so much better when the roommate is not here and we can spend time together working on everything in our own home. Car stopped working yesterday morning for some unknown reason but we think it's the fuel filter. C is going to check on it later today if time otherwise tomorrow.  C took me to my doctor appointment this morning then went and visited with some folks at district 9 while he waited for me. I found a really good doctor to be able to work on things and feel better. I'm so ready to feel better. C dropped me off this afternoon at M's so that I could work all afternoon and then he came back and picked me up. We went into town and ran some errands and grabbed dinner then came home. On the way home we talked a bunch and we talked a bunch more over dinner. He has been so supportive and just wants me to feel better. He does want to work on things and later this spring/early summer we are planning to be able to do some fun things together. 

It's interesting that when everything came about last month and I said I would be there for him how now the table has reversed and he's going to wait for me. I guess it's my turn now. It reminds me of something from the movie Fireproof that the one thing you don't do is leave your partner behind. The movie is about a man who is a firefighter whose marriage is in trouble and his dad encourages him to do a 40 day love dare to try to save his marriage. In those 40 days he finds himself and also how to save his marriage. He also teaches another firefighter not to leave his partner behind but then is able to apply the same message to his marriage. It's an amazing movie and I highly recommend it. 

C and I aren't married but the concept still applies and the desire to work on everything is helping us be more honest with each other, open and work on things with each other, creating a deeper more meaningful bond of love. We would like to get married some day....but first we have to take this challenging journey. 

Dad D/stepdad, told me he would come around and he was right. Hope is a good thing to have. This is better:

"If I speak in the tongues^a of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b but have not love, I gain nothing.4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Day 1 was 'Love is patient', Day 2 was 'Love is kind', yesterday/Day 3 was 'Love is not selfish', and today/Day 4 is 'Love is thoughtful'. Love requires thoughtfulness-on both sides-the kind that builds bridges through the constructive combination of patience, kindness, and selflessness. Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate how your spouse/partner uniquely thinks.

Day 1 of a New Me

Well I suppose I should say night one of a new me but whatever, close enough. Been trying to do this for the past few weeks but it's been not really working the way it should. Mostly because I have been going about it all the wrong way until ..quite possibly today in fact. I have to admit I suck at writing about my true feelings for things when it comes to being about me. A long time ago I had a teacher in high school that shared something I wrote with my classmates thinking she was using me as a good example, however, it didn't work that way and of course I ended up getting picked on by my peers for writing about personal stuff. Mmm, not so cool..no matter what age you are. I would have to say I have gotten a little better about it over the years but I still need to work on it. It's difficult though a lot of times to write about ourselves in depth. Most of us can write until our hands go numb about our school, work, kids, vacation, latest fad, pets, etc. but to truely write about more than that-say our feelings-that takes hard work and a lot of time, which most times we just don't have. Have to make the time though because otherwise you end up losing yourself and nobody can find themselves except ourselves. We have to be happy with who we are before making anyone else happy.
I just spent a big portion of last year or so thinking I was making myself happy and making someone else happy when in fact I really wasn't doing either very well. Somewhere along the way I lost what made me happy and what my goals were. Sure I had good days and bad days just like everyone. Sure I had fun, laughed, cried, got a little tipsy at times, spent a little too much at times, but we all do that.
I'm not really sure where the days ahead will lead but I know I can't do it without having a stronger spiritual walk with God, and the love & support of family & my true friends. It's hard to move forward by working on just yourself as the focus while keeping a door open for friendship with someone who has been your best friend for so long and partner for half the same amount of time. It's hard to have a room mate living in the same house being in the middle of all of it too. Sometimes all you want to do is just get in the car and drive. Drive to where? Not really any particular place in mind just drive to get lost and then find your way home again. Drive to relax and be free. Home? What is home? Home is where we come to rest our heads at night high upon the pillow with the covers snuggled around our heads. Home is where we come to be away from life's bussle and be with loved ones. You have to work at making a house a home though especially if you are sharing it with someone. I'm learning that sometimes that includes letting each other go your separate ways in order to find what truely matters to your heart and be able to listen to each other.
Things that matter to me? There's a lot and I'm not sure that listing them all is the right thing to do tonight but here's a start: God, my health, clean clothes to wear, food to eat, roof over my head that doesn't leak and a warm home, gas for my car, car is in good running condition, hot shower and toilet paper, laundry detergent to clean the clothes, bills getting paid on time, internet and a working phone, good friends that make me laugh and listen when I am down, being hugged at least once a day preferably more, spending time with family on a regular basis, doing fun things with a best friend, spending time with my dog, sunshine, being creative, having work I enjoy and can support myself doing, making maps, hiking, working out, making that special someone smile because we enjoy each other's company,...
Most of those things are mostly getting met but not all. Time to work on me...
I'm doing a love dare based on the book from the movie Fireproof. It takes 40 days. Originally I was going to do it as a means to try to work on things with my best friend & former partner as a way of making things better. Now though it will be 40 days as just the first part of that and see where it goes. If it takes more than 40 then I will do that. You can't give love away if you don't understand it. If you don't lead your heart then other things will lead it for you. Through those 40 days you end up not just understanding love, but also finding yourself. It seems perfect for my life right now.
Went to church again today and I fought back so many tears. Tears of sadness, of understanding, of whatever was on my heart at the time. That's two weekends in a row where my heart has been emotionally raw at words sang or spoken in the sermon. It's good but sucks at the same time.

This weeks's schedule includes work all week into the following week for M, C's dad. Then tomorrow night is first night at bible study and tuesday morning quilting with the church ladies. Might go to yoga wed, but more likely to go for a run or to the gym and work. Not sure about thursday but possibly go to the gym and work out in addition to work. Friday going to check out a woman's bible study maybe or maybe go see the cousin's in Yelm. Thursday through Saturday though doing stayover for petcare so be good to be somewhere else for a few nights without all the constant emotional stimuli. Don't get me wrong y'all, I love being at home but a little time with some four legged furry friends who love you no matter what can't hurt anyone ;-)!

Enjoying the Sunshine

Have been enjoying the sunshine here every day lately. It feels a lot like spring is literally very near. Got my new running shoes yesterday at REI and walked 4 miles today in them, plus worked out at the gym, and also played soccer with friends at our local park. It was over 55 today! So gloriously beautiful.
Started studying for the GRE yesterday since I was able to get the materials at B&N this past week. Oh my goodness, I definitely think I am going to need a study partner for this. Someone who can quiz me on the different areas. Hmm, I'm the words 'sis' are flashing in my mind ;-).
I got the flyers done for my business today. I spent too much time working out though that I didn't get them printed off and posted today as I had originally planned. I decided to use a pic of Maggie since she is such a wonderful dog. Besides like I told her when we lived in CA "ok Mags, you got to get out there and turn some tricks to pay your puppy rent & buy your treats" ..so now she is lol in a round about way ;-).
I went and checked out the local quilting group in town this past tuesday after having something warm to drink with some of the regulars at the local coffee spot. It was really nice. The ladies put me right to work and I made 2 receiving blankets for a local charity that they make items for. I fully intend to become a regular with that quilt group especially since it meets every tuesday and is only a mile from our house. Monday night I may be starting to go to a local bible study group with a couple that I know from the fire station that live in the same neighborhood as us. Depending on what time that is will also depend whether I can still do yoga monday night too. Either way it will be fun & a good place for me to be.

Bird's Eye View

This is what it looked like outside from our partial open area roof above the front porch last week. We literally got in 36 hrs 16" of snow and I became snowed in for 3 days. I must say I have no clue how sis is able to handle snow for almost 9 months of the year. I suppose it is different though if you have puppy dogs to play with all the time in the snow ;-) and then come home to kitty cats to lure you to contentment with their purring while you are drinking some hot beverage to warm yourself up by. Hopefully about this time next year C and I will have our 2nd place that allows dogs!
It has been a very stressful start to this year. Each day at home is an adventure but most days seem to be a little better than the last. A lot of times it feels like we are in the same chapter just a few pages apart instead of on the same page but I suppose all good things come to those who wait. Meanwhile we are both working on our individualism and bettering ourselves while slowly finding out how to come together ...again.
One of my good friends from my college days in MS found me this week on facebook. It was great to hear from him and catch up but he recently learned that he has a rare heart condition where he has stress induced erosion-like areas on the walls of his heart. He has to take meds and go for more tests but if it doesn't heal itself  then he has to have surgery otherwise he stands an extremely high risk of have a heart attack or worse before the age of 30. Wow, very scary! So hopefully everything works out.
For the past two weeks I have walked between 1-5 miles every day except one. I am truely looking forward to  being able to get a new pair of "workout" tennis shoes and putting lots of miles on them for the benefit of a healthier life and less stress. Lookout REI here I come.
Today's affirmation: "Today, no matter where I am going, no matter what I am doing, no matter who I am doing it with--it is my dominant intention to see that which I am wanting to see." ->I want to feel good.

Two Of A Kind

Slow and rough start to the new year with the passing of C's Mom and our room mate's former boyfriend Shefskie's niece and great uncle. Our household is trying to be supportive of each other and so far we are doing well at that. Business is down and slow when it comes to pet care & house cleaning for me but I have decided to order business cards and create a website to help. I'm also going to create flyers and see about an ad in the local paper.
After almost a year I decided to get my hair cut today and had 6"s taken off and layers put in. It looks so much better and is one of two positive things so far this year. The other being that C and I are focusing more on our friendship and he is going for counseling for the loss of his Mom.
School is having to wait again as there is only so much financially to go around but also I think I am going to start studying for the GRE and see about possibly doing grad school this fall instead of continuing on with the GIS cert through the community college.
Christmas was a lot of fun especially being able to see family and my dog :-).
The horses you see above are the famous Clidesdales, which we saw when we went to the Anheuser-Busch museum while we were in STL last month. Very cool!