Day 1 of a New Me

Well I suppose I should say night one of a new me but whatever, close enough. Been trying to do this for the past few weeks but it's been not really working the way it should. Mostly because I have been going about it all the wrong way until ..quite possibly today in fact. I have to admit I suck at writing about my true feelings for things when it comes to being about me. A long time ago I had a teacher in high school that shared something I wrote with my classmates thinking she was using me as a good example, however, it didn't work that way and of course I ended up getting picked on by my peers for writing about personal stuff. Mmm, not so cool..no matter what age you are. I would have to say I have gotten a little better about it over the years but I still need to work on it. It's difficult though a lot of times to write about ourselves in depth. Most of us can write until our hands go numb about our school, work, kids, vacation, latest fad, pets, etc. but to truely write about more than that-say our feelings-that takes hard work and a lot of time, which most times we just don't have. Have to make the time though because otherwise you end up losing yourself and nobody can find themselves except ourselves. We have to be happy with who we are before making anyone else happy.
I just spent a big portion of last year or so thinking I was making myself happy and making someone else happy when in fact I really wasn't doing either very well. Somewhere along the way I lost what made me happy and what my goals were. Sure I had good days and bad days just like everyone. Sure I had fun, laughed, cried, got a little tipsy at times, spent a little too much at times, but we all do that.
I'm not really sure where the days ahead will lead but I know I can't do it without having a stronger spiritual walk with God, and the love & support of family & my true friends. It's hard to move forward by working on just yourself as the focus while keeping a door open for friendship with someone who has been your best friend for so long and partner for half the same amount of time. It's hard to have a room mate living in the same house being in the middle of all of it too. Sometimes all you want to do is just get in the car and drive. Drive to where? Not really any particular place in mind just drive to get lost and then find your way home again. Drive to relax and be free. Home? What is home? Home is where we come to rest our heads at night high upon the pillow with the covers snuggled around our heads. Home is where we come to be away from life's bussle and be with loved ones. You have to work at making a house a home though especially if you are sharing it with someone. I'm learning that sometimes that includes letting each other go your separate ways in order to find what truely matters to your heart and be able to listen to each other.
Things that matter to me? There's a lot and I'm not sure that listing them all is the right thing to do tonight but here's a start: God, my health, clean clothes to wear, food to eat, roof over my head that doesn't leak and a warm home, gas for my car, car is in good running condition, hot shower and toilet paper, laundry detergent to clean the clothes, bills getting paid on time, internet and a working phone, good friends that make me laugh and listen when I am down, being hugged at least once a day preferably more, spending time with family on a regular basis, doing fun things with a best friend, spending time with my dog, sunshine, being creative, having work I enjoy and can support myself doing, making maps, hiking, working out, making that special someone smile because we enjoy each other's company,...
Most of those things are mostly getting met but not all. Time to work on me...
I'm doing a love dare based on the book from the movie Fireproof. It takes 40 days. Originally I was going to do it as a means to try to work on things with my best friend & former partner as a way of making things better. Now though it will be 40 days as just the first part of that and see where it goes. If it takes more than 40 then I will do that. You can't give love away if you don't understand it. If you don't lead your heart then other things will lead it for you. Through those 40 days you end up not just understanding love, but also finding yourself. It seems perfect for my life right now.
Went to church again today and I fought back so many tears. Tears of sadness, of understanding, of whatever was on my heart at the time. That's two weekends in a row where my heart has been emotionally raw at words sang or spoken in the sermon. It's good but sucks at the same time.

This weeks's schedule includes work all week into the following week for M, C's dad. Then tomorrow night is first night at bible study and tuesday morning quilting with the church ladies. Might go to yoga wed, but more likely to go for a run or to the gym and work. Not sure about thursday but possibly go to the gym and work out in addition to work. Friday going to check out a woman's bible study maybe or maybe go see the cousin's in Yelm. Thursday through Saturday though doing stayover for petcare so be good to be somewhere else for a few nights without all the constant emotional stimuli. Don't get me wrong y'all, I love being at home but a little time with some four legged furry friends who love you no matter what can't hurt anyone ;-)!